Ok, so the Olympics are over and everyone wins. The USA had the most medals, but Canada had the most gold. Canada also won gold in both men's and women's hockey, preventing mass suicides and other cataclysmic disruptions to its ever-so-fragile social fabric.
The Canadian women's hockey squad wins twice over, because despite criticism of their boozing and cigar-smoking antics on the ice after their gold-medal victory, they proved they have excellent taste in science fiction television.
I win, because I get 30 Rock and Parks and Recreation back; some mouth-breather somewhere wins because they get Jay Leno back in the Tonight Show slot.
Curling wins, because the Winter Olympics somehow persuaded millions of viewers that this bizarre genre of performance art is actually some of kind of sporting event. Way to get over, curlers. Dadaism On Ice!
Mimes, mooses (sp? what is the plural of moose? Governor Palin, are you there?) and Captain Kirk all won, too.
The only loser? NBC, of course. Their coverage was savaged far and wide, not least for the way they cut abruptly from the closing ceremonies to their ridiculous new show "The Marriage Ref," which does not feature the comedic talents of Jerry Seinfeld.
The Dream is frantically working all of our international organized crime connections for tickets to the 2014 winter games in Moscow! Russian sports authorities are currently conducting a brutal pogrom against their own coaches and athletes evaluating methods for improving on their Vancouver performance, Russia's worst at the winter games in 98 years.
As Sting once sang, I hope the Russians love their children too. And I hope they can curl like motherfuckers.
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